It Was the Best of Fantasies... (Part 1)

Today I'm bored, so let's take a moment to talk about one of the most controversial Final Fantasies of all. Final Fantasy XI Online. The bane of fanboys (or girls) everywhere. I remember the nerd outrage when this game came out. A FF game that is online only and you have to pay for....AND it's one of the numbered entries?!? INCONCEIVABLE!!!!

Disregarding that whole shitstorm, those who actually played the game have very mixed opinions, myself included. Like a diligent seagull, I'm never one to miss an opportunity to shit all over things. However I'm also willing to give credit where credit is due. That said, this game is simultaneously one of the best, and worst in the series.

Ok, so what's so great about it? Well for starters it was an anomaly of it's time. A fully featured, MASSIVE online game developed primarily for PS2, bundled with it's own hard drive. Released in North America and Japan on PS2 and PC, it allowed Japanese and English players from BOTH platforms to play together on the same servers. Later on it was also ported to xbox 360, which allowed 360 users to join PC and PS2 players on the same servers. Truly an impressive feat.

For it's time, the game looked absolutely stunning. Graphically it outclassed WoW, which was released 2 years later. The art style was one of the best in the series. Everything had a very cohesive feel, and the slight twists on typical fantasy creatures (orcs, elves, goblins, cat people) gave it an identity all it's own. Some of the high level areas were absolutely breath-taking, and made you want to explore the world just to see them.

The story in the game is also fantastic. I know story and MMOs usually go together like Jaison and bees, but it's true. As you progressed through the game there was a set of story-based missions in your home city that progressed to the typical "save the world from evil" drama you expect from a FF game. Aside from that, there were tons of side quests and optional missions that really made the world come alive. It was a welcome departure from the cast of whiney pretty-boys (and girls) the series seems to have adopted.

And what about the gameplay? Well that is a mixed bag. But first, the good stuff. There was literally a shit-ton of things to do, with more content added each update. Grinding exp, harvesting, fishing, crafting, breeding and racing chocobos, questing, PvP fighting. You had a house you could furnish, and invite friends over. There was even a pokemon-esque monster catching and fighting mini-game added later.

FF XI also had a very unique class system. You could play as any of the jobs from classic FF games such as monk, white mage, dragoon, summoner, blue mage, etc. When you reached level 18 you had the option to unlock a sub-job. That meant you could equip a second class, which was capped at half of your current level. This provided additional skills and stat boosts which provided some much-needed versatility. It also lead to some awesome combinations (Ranger/Ninja) and some useless ones (Monk/Red Mage).

The bulk of the game was spent leveling up, like any RPG. When it worked, it was great. Melee classes could skill-chain, mages could then do a magic burst off that for even more damage. When everyone played their part well it was so much fun, and like nothing I've experienced in other RPGs. That was, when it worked...

Stay tuned for Part 2!

Reptile What Happened to You?

If you ask anyone who is the coolest Mortal Kombat character, they will probably say Reptile. I mean, he looks just like Scorpion and Sub Zero, except he's green and shoots acid. Also he can turn invisible...kind of a Mary Sue if you ask me.

Anyway I can't be the only one to cry a single indian tear when I saw screenshots from the newest MK game. Where he goes from this:

To this:


Uuuugh why! Why would you do this to me? To us? Maybe it's all just a clever ruse to sell more pre-orders by including a bonus costume that doesn't look balls-out-the-ass retarded. Oh wait, that's probably exactly what it is. Pre-order at Amazon today and get this "classic" reptile skin.



Maybe I should quit complaining, I mean it could be worse. At least it's not MK 4....

One Sentence Reviews IV

Marvel vs Capcom 3 - Despite a smaller roster of more obscure characters, this game stands head and shoulders above it's predecessor for not making me want to jam a fork in my ear. 8.3/10

Crysis 2 - A game about marines in nanosuits fighting aliens that manages to be way more interesting than that sounds. 9/10

Gemini Rue - A charming indie adventure game whose biggest flaw is a main character named Azrael Odin. 8.72222/10

Bulletstorm - I can't help but think this game would have been less beautiful yet far more entertaining if Epic had kept their big faces out of it. 7/10

We Dare - The same collection of shitty Wii party games you love, now with more awkwardness. 3/10

FF Dissidia Dewey Decimal 012 - This game gets points for including a metric fuck-ton of content, but loses them again for not actually being very fun. 6/10

Dragon Age 2 - A mixed bag of plucky dialog, interesting characters, boring combat and repetitious environments. 7.2/10

Homefront - I hope North Korea disables all our electronic devices so I won't have to play this again. 4/10

Hyperdimension Neptunia - Anyone who actually buys this game deserves what they get. 2/Huuurgh

Alan Wake - A very polished game that could have been truly horrifying, yet seems to do everything in it's power to stop at merely 'creepy'. IX/X

Game of the Century

I know it's still pretty early to be doing this, but I don't care said pierre. I'm calling it right now. This century's GOTC is Icarus Proudbottom in The Curse of the Chocolate Fountain. How many other games let you fly across the sky chopping up geese, propelled only by a jet of your own poop?

They should have sent a poet. Anyway this game is awesome and hilarious, and FREE. As in, you don't have to pay anything to get this free game. Now there's a proposition I can get behind.

Game Fudge Special Guest

Hello everyone and let's welcome our special guest today, give it up for Sony Computer Entertainment America CEO Jack Tretton!

Ok Jack, with your latest bit of controversy setting the blogosphere ablaze, we're curious to hear your opinions of other gaming equipment on the market. So please take it away, the stage is yours.

Thanks guys, as a man with my finger on the pulse of the industry here's what I have to say about the competition as it stands.

X-Box 360 - My view of the whole "Microsoft experience" is that it's great for keeping retarded pot smoking college frat boys entertained. It's something to do between toking a bud and doing keg stands with the bros at Alpha Delta. No self respecting twenty-something is going to sit down and play crap like Halo or Gears of War while hitting off Trevor's wicked beer bong. He's much too refined for that.

Wii - My view of the "nintendo experience" is that it's great for keeping women entertained between doing the dishes and folding laundry. It's something they do because they can't play hardcore games like Call of Duty or Uncharted 2. Games like Cooking Mama and Wii Sports will keep them busy when they aren't cranking out babies, but no self respecting man is going to sit down and "waggle" a wii-mote. He's much too masculine for that.

iPhone - My view of this "Apple experience" is that it's a great tool for keeping hipsters entertained while they grow ironic mustaches and google obscure band names. They can't bring themselves to purchase a real piece of gaming hardware because it's like, too mainstream, man. It might be great for uploading your terrible poetry and locating the nearest cruelty-free vegan sushi co-op, but no self respecting human being is going to shell out 500 bucks for a stupid phone. They're too intelligent for that.

PC - My view of the whole "Personal computing" experience is that it's great for fat greasy nerds to set up MySQL databases and discuss the virtues of Linux over IRC. Have they even made a game for PC since the PS3 was released? Minecraft, what the hell is that? Sounds like a toy for gay babies. The PC might be good for updating idiotic blogs and torrenting episodes of Naruto, but no self respecting twenty-something is going to upgrade their video card every 2 weeks to get more than 10 FPS in Battlefield 3. He's too poor for that.

Thanks Jack, enlightening as always. Please be sure to get in touch with us again when you expel the next nugget of wisdom from your gaping hole.

NOTE: THIS IS A JOKE. PLEASE DON'T GET MAD AT US, WE OWN ALL OF THESE CONSOLES AND ARE ALSO FAT NERDS. THANK YOU

Mortal Kombat Cosplay

For those of you who like cosplay and/or breasts, here are 3 videos of Kitana, Sonya and Mileena in all their cosplay glory. These girls will be appearing at MK tournaments across Europe this month.

$300 Dirt 3

If you haven't heard there's going to be a collector's edition of Dirt 3 that's 300 dollars. But fret not, you don't just get a copy of the game, you get a professional grade R/C car as well. Clearly Codemasters knows their target audience.