Gears 3 Tip-Stravaganza

If you're just getting into playing Gears online with the Gears 3 beta, then you might be having a hard time adjusting to the different style of gameplay. I know I sure was. I'm still a total hack, but my one redeeming quality is that I catch on pretty quickly. Here are some tips by a noob, for noobs.

1. Stay in a group - Seriously, always do this unless you know what you're doing. Gears is primarily a numbers game, even more so now that the rifles do damage. In a head to head fight, the side putting down more fire is almost always going to win.

2. Power weapons are important - Less so in Gears 3 than in the past, but it's still well worth studying the maps to know where each one is. Even if you suck at using them, at least go with a team mate and help them obtain one. Even keeping them out of the enemy's hands is worth it. Games can be won or lost by a guy with a boomshot or grenades tearing shit up.

3. Knowledge is power - Know where the power weapons are, know where your team mates are, and most importantly know where your enemy is. This will help you flank your enemies, and avoid getting flanked yourself. The element of surprise is a huge advantage in this game.

4. Know the shotgun. Love the shotgun - You might think the rifle is the most important weapon to master. WRONG! Nearly all close range encounters are decided by the venerable shotgun. You should be able to shoot from the hip, roll and fire, and blind fire around corners. Start with the gnasher to get the hang of it before trying the sawed-off.

5. Don't be a turd - I mean it, don't try to gank someone else's kill when they down an enemy. If there's a serious risk the enemy might get back up, then go for it. If they've got it under control, focus your attention elsewhere.

6. Know when to fold 'em - In a game where respawns are usually lengthy and/or limited, staying alive is a big priority. If you find yourself outnumbered, try to make a run for some team mates. Best case scenario, your team will cover you while you get to safety. Worst case scenario, the enemy is distracted sawing you into chunks and your team mates get a free kill.

7. Provide cover fire - This is much more useful in Gears 3. If you see a team mate rolling around exchanging shotgun fire with an enemy, take the opportunity to send a few bullets their way. You might distract the enemy just long enough or do enough damage that your team mate's next shot will kill them. You can earn a ton of assist exp this way.

8. Don't be a show-off - Executions and chainsaw kills are fun and satisfying, but they WILL get you killed more often than not. If you're behind cover and down an enemy it's almost always better to just finish them off with your rifle.

Super...uh Mario

Maybe don't watch this at work. It's very PG but I take no responsibility for getting anyone fired. Thank you.

Aquanaut's Holiday Impressions

Good day friends, how are you? I just managed to get my greasy mitts on a copy of the semi-obscure game Aquanaut's Holiday for PS3, so that's what we'll talk about today. Aww yusss.

When I first heard about this game I was really excited because I thought it was about the LEGO Aquanauts. Then I was disappointed to learn that it wasn't. Then I was excited again because it's actually a game where you explore the ocean and discover different fish. Let me tell you something, the ocean is just rad as all hell. Fucking stingrays, turtles, anemones, sunken treasure. It's got it all. I love watching documentaries about the ocean (Yes ladies, I am still single).

First let me start by saying the title is incredibly misleading. Not only is your character not an aquanaut (He's actually a reporter) but he's also not on holiday. In fact you go to this marine research center to investigate a scientist's disappearance. Maybe that's a holiday...if you're Nancy Drew.

That would probably have made a much better game, in retrospect. This is because your character is actually a huge moron, and constantly repeats the instructions given to him by the only other 2 characters in the game. Why they let this genius have control of a multi-million dollar submarine is beyond me. Anyway...

Ok so you control Captain Shortbus, who pilots a talking submarine (Yeah, it can talk. Everything in this fucking game talks) around the ocean floor cataloging fish. Sounds fun right? Well that's when the game says "Well hold your gosh darned horses there Mr. Dinglenuts!!! We can't go letting you have too much fun now can we?"

There are some kind of sonar navigation buoys floating every 10 yards. And you can't explore any farther until you replace the batteries in each one. So you have to catalog fish and crap to get money, then go back to the base and buy batteries. Then go back and activate the buoy. Repeat every 3 minutes. It's tedious and annoying as all hell. Right now there is an awesome looking sunken ship sitting just out of reach...taunting me. But I can't get to it yet because I can't reach the stupid buoy and it's infuriating.

This is compounded by the fact that nothing in this game ever shuts the hell up. They love to drone on about inane things in hilarious engrish. It would be funny if it wasn't so boring. I literally peed due to boredom. I just want to explore the ocean, but I can't because the magical annoyance fairy shit all over this game. You know what? I don't even care about finding Professor Poopsock anymore, I'm gonna go eat some fish sticks. Peace!

WTF Japan? - God Hand Commercial

The best commercial for the best game. I can't believe I just remembered this.

Gears 3 Beta Impressions

By the number of jokes we make at it's expense, you would probably think that we don't like Gears. Well it's actually the opposite. Jaison and I both loved the first Gears of War, which is why we are very critical of the series in general. We just want it to be as good as it could be. And frankly, that doesn't always happen.

As for multiplayer, I've been disappointed in the series so far. I love the concept of small 4 man teams forming strategies and working together to outflank the enemy. But by the time I started playing Gears 1 online, it was full of cheaters, glitchers and crazy fucking androids that headshot you across the map before you can move. We both got in on Gears 2 day one, and despite some gameplay improvements it was ruined by the lag, poor matchmaking and various other bullshit.

So is the third time a charm? If the beta is any indication, absolutely. I am loving it so far. And as someone who hasn't enjoyed the multiplayer in the past, that's big praise. What makes it better? Well for starters, you can actually get into matches quickly. And once you're in a match lag usually isn't an issue. I mean, it's there. But compared to Gears 2, and even Call of Duty it's negligible most of the time.

Movement has been sped up slightly, and seems to be more fluid overall. I don't feel like I am fighting the lag and the controls anymore. When I die (Which happens a lot) I feel like it was my own fuck-up. The best change is that rifles actually do damage this time around. The hammerburst still sucks (Surprise!), but the strategy of rolling toward someone while they pepper you with bullets is somewhat less effective. The retro lancer is an awesome addition, and while less accurate than the regular lancer, it's a great all-around gun especially for enemies just out of shotgun range.

Shotguns so far are a mixed bag. In King of the hill, the gnasher is like punishment from god. In deathmatch it's still quite effective and a good close-range choice. Definitely feels more like the Gears 1 shotgun which Jaison will enjoy. The sawed-off shotgun is a total pain in the dick. People love to hide around corners with it and 1-shot you. This is balanced by the fact that it's almost useless outside of point-blank range and takes forever to reload.

Other nice additions include a better exp and unlock system, an overhead map at the start of each match showing where the power weapons are, and the ability to mark enemies like in Bad Company 2. Team balancing still sucks octopus balls, but I guess we can't expect miracles.

I admit I was skeptical of their decision to make the gameplay more fast-paced, but so far I think it's working really well. I've had more fun with this beta than I ever have playing Gears online in the past. I don't think they've made the game any easier, just more approachable. Gears 3 takes a moment to hold your hand, before ripping it off and beating you to death with it.

Keith Talks Turtles

A man after my own heart.

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