Let's Shut Down the Internet

Ok boys, time to shut 'er down. I don't think there has ever been a greater tool to allow people to be useless fuck bags. As a species I think we've clearly shown that we're not prepared to handle this responsibility yet. (Video contains much SWEARING)

Team Fortress 2 Tips For Noobs

Now that Team Fortress 2 is free forever, the servers are being flooded with noobs. If you just downloaded the game to see what the fuss is about, you're probably pretty confused by it all. That's understandable. This is PC gaming after all. Nothing can be simple. But fear not, little nooblets for Big D is here with lots of handy advice to transform you into a perfectly mediocre TF 2 player!

1. Take a moment to configure controls. It's ok if you don't know what every button is supposed to do yet. Get an idea of what button does what and change any that you think will be a problem.

2. Configure your server browser. I usually check the boxes to show only games that are not full, have people in them and aren't password protected. A latency of under 200 is also pretty essential. Setting max player count to 24 is a good idea as 32 player servers tend to devolve into a clusterfuck.

3. Watch the map intro movies (If the map has one). This will give you a good idea of what you're supposed to be escorting or capturing.

4. Try every class. You'll have plenty of time to pick a favorite. Just try each one and get a feel for how they move and what weapons they have available. This will also help you in knowing how to deal with them.

5. Learn more about each class. A lot of classes have little tricks that aren't immediately apparent. For example, Pyro's air blast can launch people, deflect rockets and put out burning team mates. Watch videos on youtube or read some of the various guides out there. Start with the classes that interest you most. It's worth learning about every class though because again, it will help you know their tricks so you can deal with them.

6. Start by playing defense. There's no quicker way to get frustrated by running into sentry turrets or sticky bombs over and over. Don't feel bad about hanging back and patrolling the base. It's important to protect the intelligence or control points. You can help engineers by shooting/burning everyone that comes near their turrets in case they are a spy.

7. Stick with team mates. It's almost like this is a TEAM based game or something?! Once you get the hang of a few classes, you're ready to move up with your team. You can help by watching their backs for spies or anyone else who manages to flank them. When someone gets an ubercharge, push forward with them if you are able to.

8. Learn the maps. Playing each map a couple times should give you a general feel for the layout. You might miss some secret alternate routes or health/ammo pickups though. It's worth spending some time in an empty server or making your own so you can explore each one.

9. Know when to fold 'em. This is a hard lesson. If you are outnumbered, or low on health, or staring down a pissed-off ubercharged heavy, there's only one thing to do. Run away like a little baby. Find some health and/or ammo, call a medic and regroup with your team.

10. Configure advanced options. There's a tab at the bottom of the main menu screen with loads of advanced options for each class. Once you've played for a bit you're likely to have an idea of what they do. Some of these can be pretty helpful. Under the regular options, the keyboard tab has it's own advanced options. One of these is quick weapon switching, which is super useful. Why it can't be with the other advanced options...God only knows.

And there you have it! Follow these 10 easy steps and you'll be better than Jaison in no time. More miscellaneous tips may come later if I feel like it.

Why Did I Got Banned?

A guilty pleasure of mine has always been reading the banned account forum on the X-box live website. Ok it's not guilty at all, this forum is a comedy goldmine. Here are a few choice gems. (Click to read)

Courtesy of whywasibanned.com

F.3.A.R. Impressions

Let's start this off by calling the game Fear 3, for my sanity and yours. Good? Ok great, moving on. Next order of business, the game. I picked it up on tuesday and have put a few hours into both the single and multiplayer so far. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on what this thing is all about, so here goes.

If you have never played a F.E.A.R., sorry Fear game; first off, what the hell is wrong with you? Second, you should probably go do that right now. It's ok, I can wait..... Done? Ok awesome. The first 2 Fear games were remarkably solid single-player FPS's. They didn't re-invent the wheel, but they brought enough unique elements (Such as slow motion bicycle kicks and relentless AI) that they were well worth the price of admission. They also brought some psychological horror elements that worked (or didn't) to different degrees.

So here comes Fear 3, made by a new studio (Day 1 instead of Monolith) with it's focus on co-op campaign and a bizarre mishmash of multiplayer modes. It also features Paxton Fettel, the bad guy from the first 2 games, as a playable character who teams up with the hero. Yeah...sounds like a direct to DVD sequel to me. Apparently everyone else though to too because this game just sort of snuck out with very little fanfare, like a fart in church.

I bought Fear 3 because I really enjoyed the first 2, and this one was getting good reviews out of the gate. Also the lure of co-op play, if Jaison ever stops being poor (Never). In the end I will agree that most reviews of it are technically pretty accurate. I honestly can't say the game looks amazing (It doesn't) or that the gameplay mechanics are revolutionary (They aren't). The single-player is very linear and scripted, as you would expect of any FPS in the post CoD landscape. It's got something those other games don't though. And that something is....

...Fun! Ok, that was a pretty retarded. Please let me elaborate! Basically this game has that X-factor that allows it to be more than the sum of it's parts. The movement is fast and fluid, the guns feel nice and punchy, and the AI is fucking brutal. And not in a CoD "Headshot you from across the map" way. In more of a "Hunt your ass down and work together to flush you out" way. The campaign isn't that long, and the story's very forgettable...but it's just plain fun and I have a hard time articulating why.

I own so many critically acclaimed games that are just too boring (Red Dead Redemption is one). But Fear 3 is a game that I just don't want to put down. The multiplayer is 4 player only, and lacks any customization or perk system like CoD. They knew they had no hope of competing with Call of Duty on it's own turf, so they decided to rip off other successful games instead (Left 4 Dead, horde/zombies mode) as well as throw a few of their own ideas into the hat. And you know what? It works. It might not have the staying power of some other top tier FPS games, but even playing with strangers I was having a blast. I can only imagine how fun it would be playing with three friends. If only I had three friends....

Oh wait, that's perfect...

My Kingdom For a Health Pack

It occurred to me a while ago that in most games (and nearly all shooters) regenerating health has all but replaced the venerable health pack. I've been playing some older games recently and it's not just nostalgia talking when I say I miss those handy little white and red nuggets.

I just need to ask why? Is it because it's not "realistic" enough? Because magically regenerating bullet wounds are just so lifelike. Or is it because it streamlines gameplay? Nothing keeps you in the action more than ducking behind walls every 10 seconds while you wait for your health to regenerate. To me it seems like a case of laziness and pandering to the lowest common denominator. "Oh no, we might have to figure out where to put them! What if people get to a hard part without much health left? They might get frustrated and trade the game in!"

To this I say Grow a fucking pair, you nancies. Games are mindless enough as it is. Managing your health and scrounging to find more when you really need it adds another layer of depth to a game. I was playing Duke 3D recently, and had to run away from some enemies because my health was too low. I searched the whole level and found a secret area with an atomic health boost. It was like a gift from the gods. It felt extremely gratifying to be able to go back and kick the shit out of those enemies with full health.

Will we ever see the health pack make a comeback? I sure hope so. If not for video games then at least for the economy. The health pack industry has taken a huge hit because of this recent regenerating health fad. Many companies are being forced into massive layoffs. I mean, just look at these figures.


It just ain't right...

All Game Music Needs Lyrics

Case in point

We Have a Tweeter

So now we have a tweeter feed...thing. you may have noticed it down in the corner, acting all non-chalant. If any of you guys have a twiteer or like to tweet, tell us your name so we can add you and together we will form a vast tweeting empire!!