SKATE. OR. DIE.

This song will always haunt my dreams, even though I don't even remember much about the actual game. sk-sk-skate. or. die. die-d-d-die

Battlefield 3 Single Player Impressions

Wait, you didn't read that wrong, and no I am not posting from the future! Thanks to a Korean VPN proxy I was able to unlock my BF 3 singleplayer early and I've put a couple hours into it so far. Ok, so the official reviews came out yesterday, but I bet you all can't wait to see what a big whiny baby has to say about this game. No? Me either...

One thing you've probably gleaned from the reviews is that this game plays something like Call of Duty. And by that I mean it plays exactly like Call of Duty. They really should change their slogan from "Above and Beyond the Call" to "We couldn't fit any more of CoD's dick in our mouth if we tried". It's all there: The story treads the line perfectly between ripping off Black Ops and ripping of Modern Warfare 2. The gameplay is the same, from the stupid quicktime events to the AI that is dumber than a box of hair.

By the sounds of this, you are probably thinking that I hate this game. Well I actually happen to like Call of Duty. So playing CoD with better graphics and destructible environments is something I am totally cool with. The guns all feel nice and punchy, the graphics are god damn amazing, and the chatter between soldiers feels authentic enough that it's like playing an episode of Generation Kill.

I don't know what else there is to say, really. This is the game that I thought MW 2 would be based on it's first level. BF 3 plays things much straighter, and ends up better for it. The plot so far is stupid but not offensively so. Things go boom a lot, and it looks and sounds incredible. In the end, it's a fun way to pass the time until the multi-player unlocks. And let's be honest, that's the only thing anyone gives a shit about anyway.

Be Advised, Battlefield 3 Trailer Incoming

As bummed as I am that this game seems to be lacking any of the personality that the Bad Company games had, this actually looks pretty entertaining. Like Modern Warfare before it went batshit insane with MW 2.

Guy Gets Pissed at Dark Souls, Writes Song About It

I can sympathize with this poor guy. I mean, I love Dark Souls. But god DAMN, this level is just one giant clusterfuck after another that will reduce you to a weeping, blubbering shell of a man. Anor Londo is like punishment from God. In a game known for being hard, it's like they just pulled out all the stops and decided to come to your house and stomp all over your fucking BALLS with steel toed boots.

The song doesn't even really touch on the worst part of the level. It's like "Here, fight these annoying giant statues that will paste you in two hits. Ok, now fight these fast annoying little gargoyle fuckers who will shoot lightning and stab you. But wait there's more!! Now run up this narrow walkway while two archers on both sides fire giant arrows which are literally the size of fucking LANCES at you!! And shit on your fucking face if you get hit because it's going to knock you off and you're going to DIE, asshole! And don't try to block them either because they will still knock you off and you will be DEAD! Now once you get to the top try to fight one archer while the other one shoots you in the back and knocks you off the ledge HAHAHA ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET SHITSTAIN?!!!"

This was the most frustrating part of anything ever, and I am not usually one to throw a controller but mine must have travelled at twice the speed of sound that day. This horrible ungodly travesty had me literally jumping up and down and throwing my shit in handfuls at the TV. After many tries I finally beat it and I thought the worst was past.

HAHA YEAH RIGHT, NEPHEW! This shit had not even begun! The bosses of this level oh my GOD the bosses. Yes I say bosses plural because you have to fight two of the fuckers at the same time. And once you kill one of them, the other one absorbs him to regenerate his full health bar and gain ungodly bullshit lightning powers. Also a retarded lightning buttslam that took off 3/4 of my health bar!!! Anyone who manages to beat this double shit sandwich supreme, come see me sometime and I'll buy you a drink. God knows you've earned it.

Shit Just Got Real

If you're not playing Dark Souls you probably should.

Arkham City is Sexist?

Yes it is. According to a recent article on Kotaku, anyway. Glad to see they are still upholding the grand internet tradition of getting offended on behalf of other people. The point of their rant seems to be that enemies like to call Catwoman a bitch a lot. And that's sexist. Maybe it's just the rampant misogynist in me talking here, but doesn't the fact that she is beating the ever-living shit out of these bad guys even the scales a bit?

I honestly think it was more a matter of the game's writers trying to come up with an insult to use that was mean without being truly offensive like whore or the c word that rhymes with stunt. So in the end, I guess the real problem here is that there just aren't enough gender specific insults for females. To remedy this, I propose we start making up more gender specific slurs just for women. Here's what I came up with so far:

Morette (female version of moron)

Dingess (females version of dingus)

Douchepurse (girl version of douchebag)

Shitskirt (woman version of shitshorts)

Fannyface (girl version of assface)

Muffmullet (girl version of dickhead)

If you can think of more please let us know in the comments!

Get Hyped for Battlefield 3....Again!

Forget crappy betas, this is how you sell a game!